tigertowner68

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirstTEXT.html

The link above is for the priceless routine by Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?".

Here is a snippet of it with the current Tigers' scenario plugged in...

Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to Detroit with you. Jim Leyland, the Tigers' manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names,..like "Miggy" Cabrera...

Costello: And his countryman Guillen.

Abbott: Guillen?...

Costello: Yes, Carlos. And this displaced one...Inge.

Abbott: Inge?

Costello: Brandon 'freaking Inge...

Abbott: Brandon 'freaking Inge huh? Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

It would be a whole lot more fun and it would definitely be funnier though, if the team was not 15-20 when we woke this morning.

State of the Tigers...

• Hitting - Well, it's like our spring weather in the Midwest. Hit or miss. But since Sunday's first inning, all misses. Until last night's 10-9 victory that mercifully ended the latest skid, this time at 5 losses. Cases in point...

Six runs Sunday against Boof Bonser to start the game off. 65 pitches thrown in total. In one inning!

Next eight innings. Zero runs. After tiring Bonser out to near exhaustion in one inning, he gets a second wind, and lasts through six innings total. The Twins come back to win 7-6 for a series sweep.

Monday night against Daisuke Matsuzaka. Eight walks off Matsuzaka. Ten walks total for the game. They push across a measly three runs total and go down 5-3.

Tuesday Tim Wakefield knuckles down on a two hit gem. Put the boys to bed at 7:05 with no milk or cookies...they didn't deserve any!

Finally, Tigers 10, Red Sox 9 last night. Feast or famine.

• Fielding- Nothing is all that notable since the "big switch" of Guillen and Cabrera except that the team continues to have issues with a transplanted from DH left fielder in Gary Sheffield (very brittle and not getting any younger), a catcher in Ivan Rodriguez who is losing his once great reflexes by the day (check his passed balls last year and this year...his throwing arm remains above average), and two players on the infield corners who are strictly neophytes at their new positions.

• Pitching - Well, the bullpen was performing well before getting lt up like pre- Fourth of July Chinese exploding shells in the five game skid. And to think Jason Grilli was off in Colorado rounding into shape for the Rockies while this was all playing out! Francisco Cruceta is finally over his visa problems and is up with the big club. Denny Bautista, who started hot before gradually increasing his average pitch counts per inning almost exponentially , 3 pitches his first outing, 9 the next, 81 the next , 6,436 the next (ahh, you get it). All these pitches with an increase in walks to match. Off to the DL he goes. The starters are averaging one quality start every other week. The only one to show anything at all in his last couple of outings is old Kenny Rogers. Even Armando Gallaraga got lit up last night. Jack Morris believes that Justin Verlander's arm is hurt. Something sure is wrong because the young wunderkind is 1-5 and when he hits the sixth or seventh inning it's like he is slamming into the wall at 200 MPH at Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

Otherwise, everything is wonderful here in Tigertown. The Pistons and Red Wings are pushing deep into the playoffs and the Lions' just drafted a half-dozen new busts. If you don't care for hockey, basketball or football, laugh at Who's on First.

If we are talking baseball around here, it may be all that we have to smile, or laugh about the way this spring has gone as we forge into summer.

6-13.

OUCH!

Even with all my years of experience following baseball, it seems that I cannot learn that lesson.

The "Game" is never played on paper...

It is even more likely for a fan to fall all over in mad love with his or her hometown ballclub when you have a couple of big deals in the off-season and your team is coming off a couple of succesful seasons.

This doesn't mean that the Tigers will not recover but this is not the kind of start that you ever want or expect from a title contender.

Oh, and if Sports Illustrarted never picks us to even win a division again, let alone the World Series, I'll be fine with that.

NOW LETS GO TIGERS!

Thoughts while I am seeking someone to "Talk me off the Ledge..."

What on Earth is going on here?

The mighty (?) Tigers are the only team in major league baseball without a victory.

I know it's only 0-4 but we waited all winter for this?

I was at the opener and enjoyed it a lot. Never mind that I have personally attended five straight losses. It was an exciting ballgame.

The team followed this effort with two sleepwalking losses that wound up a stunning three game sweep at the hands of the Royals. I am not going to denigrate them. Hell, they swept us at home to end the 2006 season, costing us a division championship that we still have not won since1987.

And they do have some excellent young pitchers. The pen between Yoakim Soria closing and Edwin Nunez setting up looks excellent. Everybody talks about Gil Meche but I think Brian Bannister is the diamond of this emerging big three. All he did was stuff the Bengals bats where, er well, you know where - in game two. Zero runs and three hits in seven sterling innings. If Zach Grienke can maintain his composure, he makes it a very solid group. And I'd say he did Thursday. He stuffed the Tigers ba-t-s ...err I have said enough...HAD enough already!

I'm not here to wax poetically about the Royals starting pitchers!

Jim Leyland summed it up perfectly following the 4-1 loss yesterday.

"We stunk."

All told, the team went 2-22 in the series against Kansas City with runners in scoring position. Of course, most of this was in game one because they had only a few runners in scoring position the last two games in the series, and but one Thursday.

They went scoreless for eighteen innings consecutively.  This is the club that many pegged to challenge the 1,000 runs scored barrier! They may eventually make it but I'm ready to see them start scoring.

Well, they did today. But they id soething else even better. Something that you don't like your home team to do better...

The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-5 and made it 0-4 and the Stranders, who left another dozen men on base in the first four innings!

For those who don't feel like doing the math, they were perfect here! The maximum number or runners you can leave on base in four innings is...ready for this?

TWELVE!

Gary Sheffield has a torn tendon in his ring finger and could be out for weeks.

Miguel Cabrera has a strained quad.

Curtis Granderson is at least two or three weeks away from returning.

Jason Grilli is still starting bigger fires than they had out in San Diego last fall.

I know. I know.

I know it's only four games in.

But still, can we get a do over, or something.

Somebody, somewhere, anywhere (even Cleveland), find me a silver lining in this swiling mass of gray and black.

And do me a favor.

Talk me off the ledge. It's still really damp and cold out here in Motown...Maybe Miss America can do something...I need your sweet smile honey. Come on back to the ballpark. And coach Mr. Grilli on how not to be such a gas can if you can, dear.

Young, talented, and beautiful Kirsten Haglund, a.k.a. "Miss America" from Farmington Hills, Michigan did double duty at the Tigers' home opener yesterday. Make that triple duty.

Act I. She sung the national anthem before the game. Beautifully done.

Then she reared back and fired the "first pitch" to Pudge Rodriguez. High hard one! Strike at the letters. She was so excited that she was jumping up and down waving her arms wildly.

Act II signed, sealed and delivered.

Incredibly, the tiara didn't budge? Super glue? Gorilla glue? Hell, she was so smoking...it probably didn't have any glue holding it up there at all! She could have probably stepped on the conveyor at a car wash and put herself through and the tiara would still be sitting there when she got through. Only it would be a little bit shinier with the hot wax...

Act III. Seventh inning stretch. Royals leading 4-3. She strolls out to the front iof the plate and sings "God Bl;ess America".

The gray, yet surprisingly mild day was wildly celebrated here in grimy, pothole filled Motown, even though the local nine lost in eleven to the Royals. The new guy (Miguel Cabrera) belted one out in left to make it 3-0 in the fifth. Former third baseman, now super sub Brandon Inge made a perfect throw from center in the eleventh inning to nail a Royal trying to score the go-ahead run.

Unfortunately that was followed by a Texas leaguer off the bat of Tony Pena Jr. that dropped in front of Brandon. This time he tried to barehand it and in his haste to hurry the relay, it slipped off his hand and the game slipped away from the Tigers.

But it will go down in my attendance sitting comfortably in the third row of the right field upper deck as a great memory.

The day Miss America arrived and none of the greaseball politicians were anywhere in sight. Now, as long as Kwame doesn't have Kirsten's cell number.

You can never be sure that he will not get that trigger finger engaged...

STOP HIM before he texts again!!!